Dear Spam,
I do not own a house. Your mortgage rates may in fact be as astoundingly low as you claim, but they are of no use to me. I have no finance to re-finance. You are wasting zeroes and ones by advertising your rates to me.
Nor, for that matter, do I have the income to support a new house, even though I'm sure the Florida real estate you're offering is quite nice.
I am quite happy with the size of my manhood. Really. I'm satisfied with its girth and length, and those other individuals who've had cause to interact with it have never expressed disappointment. Further, I must consider the possibility that significant increase from its current size might in fact cause injury to my girlfriend, of whom I am reasonably fond. I do not have any interest in increasing my schlong's size, though I'm sure your product would be effective if I did.
Along the same lines, I have no troubles attaining an erection, and thus while I am certain
your prices for Viagra and Cialis are quite reasonable, I have no need for them. Similarly, my stamina is quite sufficient at the moment. I appreciate your concern, of course, but I simply do not require your product.
I will be graduating in less than a week with a very useful Batchelor's degree from a respected university. I am, in fact, very much aware of the greater opportunities provided to individuals who hold a college degree - which is why I have attained one. Gosh, your prices are very low. But heck, it's too late now, I've already just about finished up my Pitt degree. In the future, should I desire an MBA or PhD, I may investigate your undoubtedly respected institution that promises a degree without studies, but for the time being I fear that additional credentials might overqualify me for the entry-level positions I am seeking.
Wristwatches give me rashes, whether they are replicas of Rolexes or not. Thanks anyway!
I have a great deal of high-value software from being a student, and what I lack I tend to procure from open-source projects. OEM software may be cheap, but I don't need it. I don't use Windows XP at all, so it doesn't matter how cheap you can offer it.
I am extremely sorry to hear about your father, sir. And I do wish you good luck in retrieving the millions of US dollars he hid in a van that is now in Sierra Leone. But I am, as I noted earlier, a poor college student, and thus I cannot afford the bribes, money transfer charges, etc. which you have requested of me. I hope someone else will be able to aid you.
Once again, I have no extra income, so while I appreciate you letting me know about this amazing stock purchase - goodness, that does seem like a great buy! - I really can't do anything about it. Sorry.
Perhaps you're not familiar with me - I have no need to lose weight; such an action might in fact be unhealthy. And while some additional muscle might be nice, I think I'd rather go about it the more conventional way, with exercise, rather than your pills. But thanks for the offer!
Love,
Ben
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Papal Reboot
VATICAN CITY (Reuters): As Pope Benedict XVI's first major act as Pontiff, the Vatican will initiate the long-anticipated "Papal reboot" process. Some popes will be recreated; others will be dropped entirely.
In a press conference Wednesday morning, Papal spokesman Fr. Anthony del Rico said that "Many people want to get into Catholicism, but 2000 years of back content makes that a very intimidating process. In addition, we're hoping to renew the Papal line for a new generation."
Under the plan, detailed on the Vatican's website, Benedict XVI will be the last Benedict in the current version of the papcy. After his death, according to Fr. del Rico, "We're starting over from scratch - Benedict I, all over again." The plan currently calls for the 23 Johns to be scaled down to 5 or even fewer; the Clements and Leos will be eliminated, and the Vatican will finally bow to pressure to remove Pius entirely. "Paul is definitely sticking around as a name and basic character," Fr. del Rico said, "but the new Paul will be a troubled Nigerian boy with the power to command lightning. We wanted to show a little more diversity in the papacy to reflect the Church's membership."
Among the most controversial moves, however, is likely to be the replacement of Innocents I-VII with a villainous cyborg called Guilty-XXI, while VIII-XIII will be relaunched as a teenage girl from an alternate dimension in which the Cold War never ended. Her miraculous abilities are being kept tightly under wraps by the Vatican, leading to conjecture from some religoius scholars that her appearance may be central to the plot of the relaunch.
The fates of the Urbans, Gregorys, and Clements are still undecided, but the Vatican has hinted that they may see a totally seperate 'spinoff' papcy centered around exorcism and demon-hunting. Adrians II-VI are not expected to return, but the very popular Adrian I may be brought back as comic relief in one or more of the papacies.
In addition, while Sixtus will not be returning to the Papal line after its reboot, most of the Sixtuses will be featured in a film adaptation of the papacy, tenatively titled Infallible, planned for release immediately after Benedict XVI's demise. "When the Holy Father passes, let me tell you, it will be a media event people will talk about for years," Fr. del Rico said. "We're hoping to shake up the theological world and regain our position at the head of the religious pack. And we will, no matter what gimmicks the Protestants think up."
In a press conference Wednesday morning, Papal spokesman Fr. Anthony del Rico said that "Many people want to get into Catholicism, but 2000 years of back content makes that a very intimidating process. In addition, we're hoping to renew the Papal line for a new generation."
Under the plan, detailed on the Vatican's website, Benedict XVI will be the last Benedict in the current version of the papcy. After his death, according to Fr. del Rico, "We're starting over from scratch - Benedict I, all over again." The plan currently calls for the 23 Johns to be scaled down to 5 or even fewer; the Clements and Leos will be eliminated, and the Vatican will finally bow to pressure to remove Pius entirely. "Paul is definitely sticking around as a name and basic character," Fr. del Rico said, "but the new Paul will be a troubled Nigerian boy with the power to command lightning. We wanted to show a little more diversity in the papacy to reflect the Church's membership."
Among the most controversial moves, however, is likely to be the replacement of Innocents I-VII with a villainous cyborg called Guilty-XXI, while VIII-XIII will be relaunched as a teenage girl from an alternate dimension in which the Cold War never ended. Her miraculous abilities are being kept tightly under wraps by the Vatican, leading to conjecture from some religoius scholars that her appearance may be central to the plot of the relaunch.
The fates of the Urbans, Gregorys, and Clements are still undecided, but the Vatican has hinted that they may see a totally seperate 'spinoff' papcy centered around exorcism and demon-hunting. Adrians II-VI are not expected to return, but the very popular Adrian I may be brought back as comic relief in one or more of the papacies.
In addition, while Sixtus will not be returning to the Papal line after its reboot, most of the Sixtuses will be featured in a film adaptation of the papacy, tenatively titled Infallible, planned for release immediately after Benedict XVI's demise. "When the Holy Father passes, let me tell you, it will be a media event people will talk about for years," Fr. del Rico said. "We're hoping to shake up the theological world and regain our position at the head of the religious pack. And we will, no matter what gimmicks the Protestants think up."
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